Underground Mafias Army

Good evening, Mafias.

With dark times approaching us and the end of the third golden age, armies are being plagued with a noticeable size decrease. This is much attributed to school and family, which are definitely not more important than UMA, but I digress. 

That being said, we have all turned to the next best option to keep our army afloat. For example, the Doritos multilogged, the Water Vikings coped, SWAT cried, and well, now us. 

It is very depressing to say, yes, but at least we still have our pride. We will not cheat the system or whine, but infact, we will increase through our superior intellectual abilities, unmatched by anyone in the community. With that, I am announcing the reintroduction of UMA’s most famous organization, the UMA Opium Trade.

You might be asking, what in the FUCK is the UMA Opium Trade, and how in the FUCK is it gonna work? Well, luckily this post is being made to explain it. Read on for more.

~ HISTORY OF THE OPIUM TRADE ~

The Underground Mafias Army, as you should know, as founded on January 8th, 2007 by our legendary creator, Pink Mafias, a total badass. Pink Mafias was no pussy, he GOT mad penguin bitches on his dick during his as a beloved Mafia leader. He was also well known for robbing many banks collectively with the army. But, we have uncovered many hidden truths of Pink Mafias.

Around the time of the Pink Mafias Army (the predecessor to the UMA), Pink Mafias was a regular user of Sf1998’s Marine’s cocaine distribution. Due to Pink’s heavy net worth, he could afford loads of cocaine from Sf1998. Sf1998 held a large monopoly over the Mammoth forest, which is where Sf’s large crop yield of cocoa plants were being grown at. Tons upon tons of yield. 

Around the time of the formation of the UMA, Pink had an idea. Create crack with Sf’s cocaine. And sure enough, he did that. UMA began creating LARGE amounts of crack and dealed it to the likes of Oagalthorp, Tom Wolf, Akabob, and Dj. The production was sky high, and rumor has it, ACP declared war on the UMA due to Pink no longer supplying Oagal with crack. The UMA also occupied the forests after the Marines declined.

With the conclusion of World War III, Oagalthorp swore to never let crack roam the streets again, and destroyed the farms. Oagalthorp estimated around 36 million coins were made in crack distribution alone by the UMA, alongside around 700 million in bank robberies, and 300 million in looting. Following this, Aber attempted to keep a lowkey crack dealership going in her UMA, but because she is a whore, she dated Fort and Fort murdered her in 2008 after she cheated on him with Commando717.

The drug trade was more less lowkey from this point, and was more reserved for personal dealing and not in the name of UMA. Soon enough, legendary Batista1822 began growing his own opium and giving it to rewarded UMA troops. This was a tradition that lasted over the next few years. One of the biggest opium users was Alfy3, one of our worst leaders. Alfy3 was potentially a UMA legend at the start, because he was a brilliant leader, but his drug addiction to opium eventually led him to max 4, which was even better than Bret. 

Several UMA troops high on opium in UMA’s opium den on Mittens. Circa 2009.

After Wgfv seized power, his communist regime ultimatelly banned opium and other drugs. As sad as it was, it was for the better, as this generation was infact a golden age. Many people were ousted if caught doing any drug. However, Wgfv would repeal the ban later on in 2013.

This brings us to 2013, where the likes of Sarge came about. He was quick to introduce an opium trading partnership with the Nachonnian Empire and Elmikey, which the latter was a heavy user. However, things would not get spicy until the true opium trade was brought about in 2015, with the advent of Trader.

Trader was one of UMA’s best leaders, and a great leader overall. But there was one thing Trader loved, drugs. Above all drugs, shrooms, marijuana, and opium. He and Sarge worked together heavily to introduce a Pink Mafias style opium trade. And they did just that. The trade even increased when Joseph became leader, leading to around 1.3 billion coins being earned by March 28th, 2017. Many armies fell to the knees to the Underground Mafias Army, and no it wasn’t over petty drama, it was over opium. However, Trader was a victim of police brutality and was arrested and imprisoned for life, and Sarge overdosed from opium.

Two UMA troops growing opium.

During the retarded era of UMA (Bret, Zeke, Games), drugs were never sold as nobody had the mental capacity to even pull it off. That being said, drug usage was actively discouraged, but Bret only hit like 3 so it doesn’t matter. When Mason Cooper was given leader, we all thought the trade would return, but we were wrong. Mason was an avid straight edge vegan asexual, being compared to Nardo Retardo. So, the opium trade never came to be.

That was, until 2020. With the third golden age of armies, EHUMA rose to power as a paramiltary force that brought havoc to the modern landscape of armies. The new opium trade was introduced by Cobra, Venom, and Meerrkat. Despite the trade only lasting from rougly July to August, we managed to make around 22 million coins, dealing many to Doritos leaders.

Meerrkat Farms opium field.

This brings us to today. We will continue the trade and will audit all sales. We plan to make 1 billion coins by the end of 2021, and we need your help.

~ OVERVIEW OF THE NEW OPIUM TRADE ~

With the introduction of the new trade by Venom and I, we will begin mass growing opium from Beanie. We aim to grow tons upon tons of it. We have already hired many illegal immigrants to do the work by growing, so it shouldn’t be too hard to make a large yield. 

Dealers will be distrubuted over every server on the Island, and every Discord server. If you find a dealer and are interested, please inform them using the keyword “cobra box” and send the Cobra box, which is this misleading emoji known as the “kaaba”.

All UMA troops will be expected to sell opium whenever possible, as well as expected to be users of the opium. We aim to make a motivated fighting force of opium users, and we will gladly give any samples needed.

If any armies are interested in purchasing opium in bulk quaniity, please DM me Cobra#1013, we can make a deal most likely. If you support Israel and won’t help us defend Syria, then fuck off.

Fight the bad, 

Cobra
UMA Commander

Filed under: UMA Website Posts |